I am scared

Did I mention that I was never scared during my months longing for UWC? In fact I was way too busy with my personal reality drama and the idea of everything being…not perfect, but different, that I never really got time to be scared. And I am not talking about the whole “What if I don’t find friends?”. I am not even talking about “What if the pressure turns out too be too hard, what if I fail IB?”

I am in my 8th week now and honestly everything is going great. But still somehow I am started to get frightened. It’s not a stable idea yet, but a feeling that keeps nugging at the end of my thoughts for quite a while now.

I am scared of IB and sport and stress and CAS and friends. But most of all I am afraid of myself, about all those new things I don’t only experience but those new things I feel and I know that it’s changing me, it changed me the moment I put my foot on this island. And that scares me, because in less than 3 months I am going to be in Berlin looking back on my first half year. Same friends, same environment, but not the same me. And change is what I wanted, isn’t it? That was the thing I came for, but that feeling that everything you used to define yourself over is in the middle of a huge changing process, scares me. It scares the shit out of me. And I didn’t know you can be happy and scared at the same time, but you can.

And I am reading that book from Melissa Gilbert, the beautiful story about 2 years of her life and I am amazed and stunned by so many things she did, everything in my body is screaming I WANT THAT TOO. Everything she was looking, I am looking for too. But smart as she was: she divided it. Eat, pray, love. My eat pray love is probably Study, Pray, Eat, Love, Socialize,Sleep… or something like that. And I have to capture this moment, because it is one of those UWC moments, but it scares me. When I am talking to my friends, when I am imagining myself in Berlin I see that girl, who was in a choir, social , always taking initiative, helping, a bit weird, loved to sing, loved kids, musicals, hated sport.

2 months in I am more sporty than in my entire life, I dropped out of the musical because of IB and studying and time table clashes (and let’s be honest, the role was really bad). I am hanging out with all kinds of kids and on Friday night’s I still find myself alone on the balcony. I am weird, but everyone here is weird, and I love that, but who am I?

But it’s okay and fun and despite the IB pressure, everybody is on the whole redefining yourself trip, but among all the goals my old self set for me, I started to realize I want to listen to my feelings and I see, that as happy I am about these intensity, I am so so scared.